I adore darkness. Dark walls and curtains. Dark clothes and places. Dark songs and stories. When surrounded by darkness punctuated with bright small pools of light, I function quite well.
I function well, that is, except during December when the sun isn’t around so much. When round-the-clock inclement weather further darken what sun there is. When the twinkle of holiday lights, so joyful for so many, harken flashbacks of evil and dark thoughts of despair. When casually thrown Merry Christmases and Happy Holidays hit me like a bunker buster.
During such a time I am without hope, cannot generate a smile, don’t want to go in public, everyone hates me, no one loves me, no one cares for me, I am stupid, worthless, useless, and an idiot. This happens every year so you’d think I would be used to it, could plan for it. But no! I’m not and I don’t. Every year I am surprised. Eventually, the sun comes back around and holiday cheer is removed and I again become upbeat. But, O God!, help me through another time of testing. I thank you.